{"id":9903,"date":"2016-04-04T19:15:35","date_gmt":"2016-04-05T00:15:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/meganstrange.com\/?p=9903"},"modified":"2016-04-04T19:17:53","modified_gmt":"2016-04-05T00:17:53","slug":"book-review-thanks-for-the-feedback","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/meganstrange.com\/?p=9903","title":{"rendered":"Book Review: Thanks for the Feedback"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"51dKIQefNbL\"<\/a><\/p>\n

“Regardless of context or the company you keep, you are the most important person in your own learning. \u00a0Your organization or team or boss might support or stifle feedback. \u00a0Either way, they can\u2019t stop you from learning. \u00a0You don\u2019t have to depend on your annual review or your boss\u2019s willingness to mentor. \u00a0You can watch, ask questions, and solicit suggestions from coworkers, customers, partners, and friends. \u00a0You don\u2019t have to wait around for someone to train you to sell more shoes. \u00a0Observe whoever sells the most and try to figure out what they are doing differently. \u00a0And ask them to watch you. \u00a0Whatever they suggest, try it on. \u00a0Experiment with the advice, and if the shoe fits, wear it. \u00a0Whatever you do in your organization\u2014whether it\u2019s selling shoes or saving souls\u2014you\u2019re surrounded by people who can learn from.”<\/em>\u00a0Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, Thanks for the Feedback\u00a0<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n

This book has quickly moved to the top of my list of most helpful books that I’ve read. \u00a0I will definitely be gifting several copies of this book just based on how beneficial it was to me. \u00a0My heart’s desire as a leader is to always be growing and to be intentional about modeling a growth mindset. \u00a0Feedback is something that I receive a lot of in my role as a high school principal. \u00a0Reading this book has given me a much better understanding of how to filter both positive and negative feedback into learning modules that can help me grow as a leader as I desire to serve our school and our families with excellence. \u00a0The main way this book is helping me right now is by giving me some tools to shape the way that I initially respond to feedback. \u00a0My identity is in Christ, not in the feedback or the giver of the feedback. \u00a0My response to feedback should clearly convey my desire to grow while gaining an understanding of the goal of the feedback.<\/p>\n

My pastor recommended this book and I’m so grateful that he did! \u00a0The Christian community is know for having lots of opinions. \u00a0The goal of this book is to distill those opinions and feedback into profitable information that works for the good of all involved.<\/p>\n

I highlighted several things while reading and have posted those notes below…<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\n
    \n
  • We swim in an ocean of feedback.<\/li>\n
  • Creating pull is about mastering the skills required to drive our own learning; it\u2019s about how to recognize and manage our resistance, how to engage in feedback conversations with confidence and curiosity, and even when the feedback seems wrong, how to find insight that might help us grow.<\/li>\n
  • Insulation leads to isolation.<\/li>\n
  • Understanding our triggers and sorting out what set them off are the keys to managing our reactions and engaging in feedback conversations with skill.<\/li>\n
  • Identity is the story we tell ourselves about who we are and what the future holds for us, and when critical feedback is incoming, that story is under attack.<\/li>\n
  • Inside a growth identity, feedback is valuable information about where one stands now and what to work on next. \u00a0It is welcome input rather than upsetting verdict.<\/li>\n
  • We need evaluation to know where we stand, to set expectations, to feel reassured or secure. \u00a0We need coaching to accelerate learning, to focus our time and energy where it really matters, and to keep our relationships healthy and functioning. \u00a0And we need appreciation if all the sweat and tears we put into our jobs and our relationships are going to feel worthwhile.<\/li>\n
  • The giver has only partial control over how the balance between coaching and evaluation is received.<\/li>\n
  • What is my purpose in giving\/receiving this feedback? \u00a0Is it the right purpose from my point of view? \u00a0Is it the right purpose from the other person\u2019s point of view?<\/li>\n
  • We can\u2019t focus on how to improve until we know where we stand.<\/li>\n
  • \u201cI don\u2019t say yes or no to a request in the moment. \u00a0Instead, I ask some sorting questions.\u201d<\/li>\n
  • To understand your feedback, discuss where it is: Coming from-their data and interpretations AND Going to-advice, consequences, expectations.<\/li>\n
  • \u201cWhat do you see me doing, or failing to do, that is getting in my own way?\u201d<\/li>\n
  • Relationship triggers create switchback conversation, where we have two topics on the table and talk past each other. \u00a0Spot the two topics and give each its own track.<\/li>\n
  • A systems view helps us understand what\u2019s producing the frustration or difficulties or mistakes (and hence prompting the feedback) in the first place. \u00a0It helps us identify root causes and the ways everyone in the system is contributing to the problem. \u00a0And it explains the contradictory reactions we have as givers and receivers.<\/li>\n
  • Accidental adversaries are created by two things: role confusion and role clarity.<\/li>\n
  • Systems thinking corrects for the skew of any single perspective.<\/li>\n
  • If you soak up all the responsibility, you let others off the hook. \u00a0Responsibility for learning and fixing the problem is hoarded and the best solutions less likely to emerge.<\/li>\n
  • Exploring systems skillfully starts with the awareness that what you\u2019re facing may indeed be a systems problem.<\/li>\n
  • Looking at systems: reduces judgement, enhances accountability, and uncovers root causes<\/li>\n
  • Our emotions have so profound an influence on how we interpret what happens and the stories we tell about it that, in the wake of upsetting feedback, our upset self distorts what we think the feedback means.<\/li>\n
  • How you feel in that moment has a big impact on the story you tell yourself.<\/li>\n
  • The strong feelings triggered by feedback can cause us to distort our thinking about the past, the present, and the future. \u00a0Learning to regain outbalance so that we can accurately assess the feedback is first a matter of rewinding our thoughts and straightening them out. \u00a0Once we\u2019ve gotten the feedback in realistic perspective, we have a real shot at learning from it.<\/li>\n
  • Regardless of whether your reactions are productive or debilitating, it\u2019s enormously helpful to be aware of your particular patterns, \u00a0It\u2019s especially important to figure out how you tend to respond during that first stage, so that you can recognize your usual reaction and name it to yourself in the moment. \u00a0If you name it, you have some power over it.<\/li>\n
  • As you get better at slowing things down and noticing what\u2019s going on in your mind and body, you can begin to sort through your reactions. \u00a0You\u2019ll get better at distinguishing your emotions from the story you tell about the feedback, and distinguishing both of these from what the feedback giver actually said.<\/li>\n
  • When you notice the feedback has stampeded over whatever barriers should keep it in place, you have to round up the feedback, and drop it back into the area where it belongs.<\/li>\n
  • When in the grip of upsetting feedback, we often fail to distinguish between consequences that will happen and consequences that might happen.<\/li>\n
  • Try looking back on your life from the vantage point of ten or twenty or forty years from now. \u00a0Ask yourself how significant today\u2019s events are likely to seem in the grand scheme of things.<\/li>\n
  • So don\u2019t dismiss other\u2019s views of you, but don\u2019t accept them wholesale either. \u00a0Their views are input, not imprint.<\/li>\n
  • When feedback contradicts or challenges our identity, our story about who we are can unravel.<\/li>\n
  • A growth identity is not about whether you get terrific or troubling feedback. \u00a0It\u2019s about how you hold whatever you get.<\/li>\n
  • We snatch defensiveness from the jaws of learning.<\/li>\n
  • \u201cCan we take a minute to step back so that I\u2019m clean on our purposes? \u00a0I want to be sure I\u2019m on the same page as you.\u201d<\/li>\n
  • \u201cI want to hear your perspective on this, and then I\u2019ll share my view, and we can figure out where and why our views are different.\u201d<\/li>\n
  • When you\u2019re at an impasse\u2014when what a giver suggests is difficult for you or even unacceptable\u2014ask about the underlying interests behind the suggestion.<\/li>\n
  • Feedback conversations are rarely one-shot deals. \u00a0They are usually a series of conversations over time, and as such, signposting where you stand, what you\u2019ve accomplished, and what you\u2019ll try next helps you travel the road together.<\/li>\n
  • \u201cTry it on.\u201d \u00a0\u201cSit with the possibility for a few days.\u201d<\/li>\n
  • It\u2019s not all-and-always. \u00a0Just some-and-sometimes.<\/li>\n
  • Our subordinates are such a valuable source of information that it\u2019s astonishing that we don\u2019t tap their knowledge more regularly. \u00a0It\u2019s like crawling along in a traffic jam and ignoring the fact that you have a direct line to the traffic helicopter above\u2014which can see the bigger picture that you can\u2019t from where you sit. \u00a0They could give you the lowdown on the hot spots, pileups, and shortcuts that would get you the farthest fastest.<\/li>\n
  • Feedback isn\u2019t just about the quality of the advice or the accuracy of the assessments. \u00a0It\u2019s about the quality of the relationship, your willingness to show that you don\u2019t have it all figured out, and to bring your whole self\u2014flaws, uncertainties, and all\u2014into the relationship.<\/li>\n
  • When handling complaints or concerns about the system, make sure to listen and acknowledge. \u00a0Ask for specific suggestions that might improve the system.<\/li>\n
  • The point here is not that you have to have an \u201cappreciation system\u201d in place; rather, it\u2019s about having a cultural norm of appreciation that encourages everyone to notice (1) the genuine and unique positives in the work of others, and (2) how each team member hears appreciation and encouragement so that it can be best expressed to that person as an individual.<\/li>\n
  • If you had to pick between preaching the benefits of being a learner and modeling good learning, well, there\u2019s no contest. \u00a0In many ways, the manager is the culture: if they\u2019re good learners, they set the tone for a learning culture.<\/li>\n
  • Regardless of context or the company you keep, you are the most important person in your own learning. \u00a0Your organization or team or boss might support or stifle feedback. \u00a0Either way, they can\u2019t stop you from learning. \u00a0You don\u2019t have to depend on your annual review or your boss\u2019s willingness to mentor. \u00a0You can watch, ask questions, and solicit suggestions from coworkers, customers, partners, and friends. \u00a0You don\u2019t have to wait around for someone to train you to sell more shoes. \u00a0Observe whoever sells the most and try to figure out what they are doing differently. \u00a0And ask them to watch you. \u00a0Whatever they suggest, try it on. \u00a0Experiment with the advice, and if the shoe fits, wear it. \u00a0Whatever you do in your organization\u2014whether it\u2019s selling shoes or saving souls\u2014you\u2019re surrounded by people who can learn from.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/div>\n
    <\/div>\n
    <\/div>\n
    <\/div>\n
    <\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    “Regardless of context or the company you keep, you are the most important person in your own learning. \u00a0Your organization or team or boss might support or stifle feedback. \u00a0Either way, they can\u2019t stop you from learning. \u00a0You don\u2019t have to depend on your annual review or your boss\u2019s willingness to mentor. \u00a0You can watch, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14,25,16,28,17,32,18],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9903","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-book-review","category-education","category-family","category-integrity","category-leadership","category-marriage","category-north-cobb-christian"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/meganstrange.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9903","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/meganstrange.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/meganstrange.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/meganstrange.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/meganstrange.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9903"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/meganstrange.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9903\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/meganstrange.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9903"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/meganstrange.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9903"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/meganstrange.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9903"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}