I’ve been hearing a lot of people reference the new edition of Hopes and Fears: Strengthening the Relationship with Today’s Independent School Parents. I think this book is a helpful resource to get everyone on the same page…what is at stake for the good of the student. I have one major difference of opinion with the authors. They declare that the school should be the “senior partner” in the educational process. As a Christian, I believe that parents are given the responsibility of educating and discipling their children and they should pick worthy partners in that endeavor…but the senior partner is ALWAYS the parent.
This book was helpful in my role as a high school principal at a Christian school as well as the parent of a high schooler and a middle schooler. If we can be clear about our hopes and fears for our kids in the way we interact with their teachers who are helping shape and encourage them, that can be a pretty dynamic partnership for all involved. I picked up some great tips for parent and teacher conversations. The ultimate goal is to get everyone on the same page “student growth”.
I highlighted several things while reading and have posted those notes below…
- We believe that children of all ages thrive when the adults in their lives get along better with each other and see the children in the same way. p. 8
- Because our children are involved, schools often tap into our deepest feelings of love, hope, protectiveness, and disappointment. p 13
- Four Fears of Parents
- Will my child be safe?
- The teacher will judge my parenting negatively.
- Understanding how rapidly parents can sometimes reach an internal boiling point, even if they don’t show it on the outside, is important for every educator. p. 16
- The teacher has huge power over my child.
- My most cherished dreams for my child may not come true. p. 17
- Three Fears of Teachers
- My mistakes will be on display in front of the distorting eyes of children.
- I will see the student differently than parents do, and this may cause conflict.
- Administrators won’t protect me from powerful parents. p. 20
- Veteran educators are not shocked when children make mistakes; do unexpected, unattractive things; and confuse and frighten their parents. In fact, it is hard for educators to imagine any child going through the 14 year journey from pre-K through senior year without a period when the child struggles or causes some disruption. p. 24
- It seems that today large numbers of parents want the school to help them prepare the path for their child instead of preparing their child for the path. 44
- Teachers’ knowledge of their craft, their generous hearts, their empathy, and their understanding of students all help them address the concerns of most parents and bring most situations to a satisfactory conclusion. p. 50
- The parents we call 5 percenters are different. Very. They cannot be soothed or reasoned with, no matter how hard the school tries. For a number of reasons, they provoke and sustain an abrasive, aggrieved, unhappy, mistrustful relationship with the school, sometimes for years. In some cases, their criticism is relentless. p. 51
- Clarifying Two Facets of School Life
- Purpose: What We’re All About
- Conduct: What It Means to Belong Here p. 71
- More schools now use back-to-school nights as opportunities to reiterate and reinforce these kinds of basics. Their essential message to parents: “To help your children grow up to be successful, these are the values and expectations we’re teaching them. We need you to help us help them succeed by joining us as models of these values and behaviors.” p. 74
- Three Productive Ways to Think about Working with Parents
- Parents are sincere and – especially important to remember – anxious.
- Problems are inevitable and often valuable.
- The educator is a partner and can apply with parents the very skills that work with students. p. 79
- Five Skills Every Teacher Needs
- Active listening
- Asking questions, especially about parental hopes and fears.
- Claiming the child. (knowing something specific/unique about them in the context of school life)
- Claiming a child may be the first step in creating an alliance with a parent that can bear some weight. Parents are willing to accept insights from an educator who is clearly interested in being close to their child and invested in his or her learning. p. 84
- Straight talking
- Shaping the collaboration by running a crisp, professional meeting. p. 87
- Helping a bridge with the intimidators
- “You have a message about your child that you want us to address. But it’s like you taped it to a rock and threw it through our window. You want us just to respond to what you wrote, but we can’t because we have a rock and broken glass all over the place.”
- “We have two issues here: your concern, which we want to address, and the way you’re expressing it, which makes that impossible. If you want us to take your issue seriously, you can’t yell at us.” p. 97
- An effort to hold students more accountable requires the adults in the school to hold themselves more accountable. p. 113
- Steps to Strengthening Relationships
- Learn about the parents.
- Ask about hopes and fears.
- Offer straight talk.
- Provide equal discipline.
- Reach out, reach out, reach out.
- The Great Disruption has made striking an idea balance between parents and teachers harder than ever and put schools under greater pressure than ever. The decline in civility and generosity, the tendency to personalize every disagreement, the rise in anxiety and entitlement-these and other Disruption-related trends we’ve described make it more important than ever to support the strengthening of teachers’ skills in working with parents. p. 138
