Learning to Disagree by John Inazu is a helpful book for anyone at any stage of life. Other than Jesus Christ, I’ve never met anyone that I agree completely with…and you likely won’t either. I’ve even looked back over the years at things I wrote, posted, or commented about…and I haven’t even always agreed with myself! Hopefully all of us become more thoughtful and discerning as we mature.
Inazu’s book is particularly useful as he highlights empathy and respect in our interactions with one another…something that seems to be blatantly missing in some areas of our culture. I highlighted several things while reading and have posted those notes below…
- Find out what motivates them. Examine how their arguments get off the ground. Ask why the conclusions that seem so obviously correct to you seem so obviously wrong to them. p. 4
- Sometimes a drop of empathy can restrain a flood of needless words and thoughtless commentary. p. 10
- Empathy is not rocket science. It’s hearing an unfamiliar or off-putting argument, pausing to think about what’s been said, and responding with an appropriately engaged question. It’s giving people the benefit of the doubt because you may not know what battles they are fighting. It’s treating others the way you would like to be treated. Empathy is the simple stuff that’s hard to put into practice. p. 10
- Legal education at its best teaches the tools of disagreement and provides plenty of opportunities to put those tools into practice. But you don’t have to be in law school to learn these skills. You can begin to recognize the complexity of the people around you and the empathy this complexity can bring to you. You can start by assuming the best of someone—or at least not assuming the worst—to open the door to deeper understanding and an opportunity to learn from those who see the world differently. p. 18
- When you find yourself on the losing end of a conflict that cannot be resolved through compromise, you don’t need to throw in the towel or blow up the system. An inability to compromise is not always a dead end, and even zero-sum decisions can usually be reconsidered. Use the opportunity to deepen your understanding of what’s at stake in a disagreement and why others see things differently. And recommit to work toward a different solution while continuing in your efforts to persuade others that your position is, in fact, the better one. p. 50
- When you have a challenging conversation with someone you know, you can usually find ways to follow up if you’re willing to put in the time and effort. It’s fine to say something in the moment to express your discomfort or disappointment. But instead of leaving the relationship in an awkward limbo, take advantage of your proximity and familiarity to learn more rather than assume the worst. p. 55
- I learned that sometimes you have to start talking again—even about hard things. And I learned that you can say things more gracefully and more honestly when you realize how few opportunities you have left to say them. p. 57
- I like writing because it helps me figure out what I think. p. 62
- Not all comments are conversations in the making. p. 62
- There are no ordinary people. C. S. Lewis p. 65
- We can practice empathy and disagreement with people who are different from us—perhaps some of whom are even friends in the making. p. 161
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