This summer I was chatting with a friend of mine at another Christian school and our conversations always tend to lead to what we’ve been reading. He enthusiastically recommended Capable by Sissy Goff and David Thomas. I’m a huge fan of their writing and enjoy their podcast, so I picked up the book right away. It helped me a ton as an educator, but it also helped support my philosophy of parenting my own kids. Kids are far more capable than we usually give them credit for. Their capacity for capability will only grow if you give them room to grow it. I highly recommend this book for anyone who works with students or parents.
I highlighted several things while reading and have posted those notes below…
- Knowing God made you to do hard things is the beginning but being equipped to be confident and capable in how to actually do those hard things is the ongoing work. p. 10
- Capable kids have practiced coping and learned competence for life’s challenges
- Coping = skills and strategies to navigate emotions.
- Competence = strengths and abilities for life’s circumstances.
- Challenges = tasks or situations that test abilities. p. 13
- In Raising Worry-Free Girls, I outlined how anxiety in girls “involves an overestimation of herself.” The same is true for boys. It’s as if they’re saying, “whatever is making me anxious, whether it’s taking a test or reaching out to a friend or just facing a school day, is too big. I’m too small. I can’t do it.” And then what frequently follows is “I NEED YOU TO DO IT FOR ME!” p. 14
- In their minds, it’s easier for you to be their coping skill than to develop coping skills of their own. p. 15
- I have had more kids talk about changing schools in the past five years than all the years put together I’ve been counseling. p. 17
- Kids no longer say they’re “sad.” They’re depressed.” I don’t hear the word worried anymore from kids. They say they have “anxiety.” p. 19
- When we only offer attunement, it can have the detrimental effect of creating too much power in kids. Boundaries, on the other hand, create security. When we offer kind, steady boundaries, we’re helping kids know that they’re not the strongest person in the room, which makes kids of all ages feel safe. Too much power actually causes kids to feel insecure. Attunement helps kids feel safe. But ot’s the balance between attunement and boundaries that makes kids feel safest. p. 27
- Capable parents offer a combination of boundaries and grace that helps kids become the best versions of themselves, without the pressure of perfection. Capable parents value resilience over relief or rescue. Capable parents value sturdiness over success. Capable parents value health over happiness. Capable parents value capability over confidence. Capable parents value faith over fear. p. 32
- Capable kids have practiced coping and learned competence for life’s challenges
- Coping = skills and strategies to navigate emotions.
- Competence = strengths and abilities for life’s circumstances.
- Challenges = tasks or situations that test abilities. p. 41
- I’ve heard hundreds of kids report building endurance and navigating discomfort in attending overnight camp. Being away from home, sharing a small space with strangers, and trying new activities that are stretching and unfamiliar. I’ve heard mid-adolescents describe this in learning to drive and going on a mission trip. I’ve heard late teens describe this in internships and applying for scholarships, attending college, and navigating a roommate relationship. p. 48
- Sissy talks often about the two most common parenting practices in light of anxiety being escape and avoidance. We see kids struggling, and our instinct is to pull them out of the context. p. 49
- The antidote to escape and avoidance is support and challenge. p. 49
- In both sports, I had coaches introduce me to the kick, which is the ability to sprint at the end of an endurance-oriented race. It’s when an athlete kicks into another gear and activates a surge of energy and speed. p. 52
- His life is evidence of how struggle gives way to perseverance, and how it has deepened his character and made him a person of hope. It’s a deep-rooted hope that was shaped through years of challenge, and in the end, has cultivated capability. p. 55
- Then there’s the hilarious video from influencer Taylor Wolfe of the mom teaching her mother about parenting today. p. 59
- With every generation, we stand on the shoulders of those who have gone before us. Therefore, we grow a little taller. We see a little farther. p. 64
- We would love for you to seriously consider if there is a place you have been rescuing your kids. p. 72
- It’s so easy to fall into rescuing and being the coping strategies ourselves. It’s why we ask often in parenting seminars, “What are two things you’re doing for your kids that they can do for themselves? What are two things you’re doing for your kids that they can almost do for themselves?” And then, you might guess where we head next: “ We want you to stop doing all four.” When the goal is relief, the outcome is a lack of resilience on the part of kids. They don’t learn to do the things we’re doing for them. p. 72
- Allowing the kids we love to struggle is one of the greatest tasks of parenting. p. 95
- When emotions are in charge, everything feels really big. p. 105
- Your relationship with your daughter will be unlike any you will ever have in your life. Your similarities will bring immense joy and connectedness at times, and also deep conviction (and maybe discomfort) at others. Your differences will likely do the same. In other words, your daughter will bring up your stuff like no one ever has or maybe ever will, with the exception of your own mom. p. 121
- It is a gift to your daughter for you to be a student of who she is and what she loves.
p. 123
- I’ve long believed and observed how boys will give the most of who they are to their moms. The most includes the best and the worst. The safer he feels within the relationship with you, the more freedom he feels to test and push. p. 140
- Wherever you are in the journey of parenting, I want you to imagine knowing your son as an adult man, watching him as a husband or father, and experiencing relationship with him as a friend as well as a son. p. 146
- Boys can benefit from watching The Mask You Live In with a trusted adult and then engage the free curriculum the Representation Project has created to encourage students to think critically about how gender stereotypes play out in their lives. Therapist and educator Michael Gurian wrote a great book called What Stories Does My Son Need? That breaks down a hundred books for boys to read and a hundred movies for boys to watch from the preschool years through adolescence teaching integrity, humility, generosity, vulnerability, empathy, courage, and character. p. 151
- Boys need to see the men around them prioritize friendships. p. 152
- We were made for relationship. Scriptures speak to this in important ways:
- “Walk with the wise and become wise” (Proverbs 13.20)
- “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17)
- “The purpose of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out” (Proverbs 20:5)
- “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17) p. 153
- Consider adding the language of “learning” into the vocabulary of your family. Ask regularly:
- What’s something you are currently learning?
- What’s difficult about the learning?
- Where have you seen growth in the learning? p. 164
- Paul addressed this well in Philippians. 4:11-13: “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Contentment is deeper than happiness. Contentment is what allows us to live through hard moments and hard seasons. One of the most important parts of this passage is Paul saying he “learned” contentment. p. 175
- Gratitude is the primary tool for finding our way back to the beautiful things. p. 185
- When we step in too often, we interrupt the opportunity for independence and capability. All kids, including anxious ones who look or seem helpless, long to be independent and capable. Doing too much for them strengthens fragility and roadblocks durability. p. 204
- Seven C’s of resilience p. 225
- Competence – opportunities for skill mastery
- Confidence – increased feelings of hope and optimism
- Connection – strong relationships
- Character – having an internal moral compass
- Contribution – believing actions make a difference
- Coping – managing emotions in the face of adversity
- Control – feeling actions have an impact on what happens
